How am I doing?

Hello my lovelies,

It has been so long since I have written in this blog. I decided that it was about time I started again. I didn't think that it had been a year but wow!! So much time has passed, so much in my life has changed and then there are the things that are still the same.

So first of all, I am no longer out of work!! It didn't happen over night, I didn't just wake up one day and think I could start working again. It took a long time and a lot of building up. But i got there and I am now the proud owner of a Beauty Salon!! I still cannot believe that every morning when I get up and come to work I am coming to my own Salon.

A little back story in to why... I knew going back to work would not be easy and I knew that I wouldn't be able to work for anyone else. The stress of even just considering it caused a flare with my Fibromyalgia! I couldn't imagine being able to call in sick a few times a month when things got too much for me. Having set hours as well would be tough for me. So I decided I would start off part time and see how I got on. I work around myself. If I don't have anyone booked in the morning I open later. That is the beauty of owning my own place! If I worked for someone else I would have to come in anyway. This morning for example my first client was at 11. I normally open at 10. I was in a lot of pain and didn't sleep great, so I messaged my dad and asked him to come and pick me up an hour later than usual so that I could have an extra little rest. I am loving it, but it is not without its own stresses. It is hard going, but it feels very worth it and I love what I do. I love getting to meet new people and creating bonds with clients and getting to know them and becoming like a friend to them. Some are even like family to me. I have one girl working for me and hoping to have another soon. I know that I cannot do it all on my own which is very important for me to be aware off, as it would be detrimental to my health and of recent times it has been. Due to unfortunate circumstances I have had to do more hours than normal to cover and it has caused my nerve damage in my right shoulder to flare up and I am exhausted. I have had times were I have been so exhausted that I literally couldn't keep my eyes open. I know I am working a lot and overdoing it, but once things settle I will be able to back off a little and all this hard work will pay off.

Anyway. Enough about the salon. How am i physically.... I stopped the morphine patches and went back to tramadol and naproxen. I took those for months. I also changed from cymbalta to nortryptaline. It took a long period of adjusting to that though and weaning off the cymbalta. It had a bad effect on me but I got through it. So the nortryptaline has been helping me sleep at night and boosting my moods as well. I tried going off the tramadol and taking cocodomol for a month but that had bad repercussions, so i am right back on them again. I still have my bad days were I physically cannot do anything and struggle to get out of bed, but instead of being most of the week it is once a week. I have been able to claw my way back to some sort of life. I try to get out walking every day to keep my body moving and stay mobile. As I am aware that my job is very stationary and it would be worse long term for me if I didn't get exercise. I am still spending a lot of time with my mother in law and walking the dog every night. I am sore by the end of the day but I need to keep the walking to keep me mobile and not seize up.

Emotionally I am not great right now. I have been through some stuff lately that has knocked the stuffing out of me a little, but in time I will get through it and be ok. I have a great family support and my husband is my rock. So I will be back on form soon. Just for now I am very down and emotional. But we all get times were we are up and down. This is just a down time for me.

Hubby and I made it back to Florida, finally after 5 years of no holidays. I promised myself if it got too much I would hire a scooter or wheelchair. But pride kicked in and I didn't. I couldn't do it! I regret that a lot. There were nights especially at the end of the holiday were I couldn't sleep because i was in so much pain. The day before coming home was ruined for me because I ached so much. Hubby loved it, he was in his element in Universal and loving the coasters. I am going to do a video for my vlog channel with a load of our pictures from the holiday. So keep your eyes peeled for that I will share it will you here when I post it.

I am hoping to do weekly updates to keep you informed on what is new and how I am doing, because I am sure there are plenty of you who would love some feedback on being back to work as you may be considering the same thing yourself. So I will try to post on a Monday or Tuesday each week.

Anyway I hope you guys are all well, and I am sure there are plenty of things I should have addressed that I have forgotten but there is plenty of time. If you have any questions, please feel free to give me a wee shout here or on my email lyndseymilliganhb@gmail.com

Love you all,

Chat soon. xxxxxxx

Marie Curie Cancer Care Fundraising

Marie Curie Cancer Care Fundraising

Weekly Update

Hello my lovelies,

I hope you are all well.

I have had a bit of an up and down week. It was my anniversary on Sunday and I was in so much pain that I didn't get to enjoy it. In fact I was trying to edit my wedding dvd and ended up getting really emotional and having a melt down.

I was watching myself and although at the time I was sick with my ulcers and stuff, my pain and fatigue and stuff wasn't at the stage it is now. I was still able to work. I was still able to have a normal life. Through the sickness and tiredness then  I was still able to enjoy a fortnight in Florida. I miss that. I miss so much of my life. I just got so sad, and broke down and then cried even more thinking of how much I miss my daddy in law and how amazingly supportive he was of me. I have actually felt really depressed lately, and it has been largely to do with losing one of the closest people to me. It has caused a huge set back in my condition. I had been doing so well for a few months and was able to look after him. I knew that the chances were that I would lose all the progress after he would pass away, because as we know traumatic events can cause flares.

I am having to go to the doctors again about medication because I am fed up being in agony even though I am taking anti inflammatory tablets and tramadol. In fact I have been taking co codomol on top of that and it isnt sorting it. I am feeling my right shoulder get bad again. It was this time last year I had my injection. Which really helped as it the physio but now I am getting so much pain again.

It is so frustrating because I am trying to build up my career and actually work from home so that I don't have to rely on benefits. I want to make something of myself. I am not the type of person that copes easily with not being able to work. I don't look down on those who aren't working, I just go crazy not having something to do, as I am sure a lot of you do. I love what I do, nails and make up and I am so excited being able to do spray tans now too. I cannot wait to get clients in and do that. So amazing. I love it. It is the most fun job ever. If only my stupid body wouldn't crap out on me so much. I am hoping in a years time to open a salon of my own. Of course I will probably rent out space or hire people who knows but for now I really need to build up and actually get my confidence back. I need to be fitter for it too though. Right now my body is only allowing part time hours. Which I have to be ok with. But that wont work if I own my own place...

Eughhhhh Anyway after not getting much sleep last night I am starting to get really tired. The pain is starting to increase and push through again, but I am hoping that I get over soon.

How are you guys doing? Are you having an ok week?

Love you all so much,

Lynds, xxxxxxxx

GRWM: Family BBQ

Overdid it again!!

Hey my darlings,

Well lets recap the last few days.

Saturday I went out for two hours in the afternoon to Boucher Road to do a little shopping, then had dinner in my inlaws and chilled the rest of the evening.

Sunday I hardly slept so passed on morning service at church, got up in time to be picked up by Lynne to go take Toby to Pets at home for a muzzle then brought him home. Walked him once before we went out and that was it. Went to church on sunday evening, then visited my mummy who is sick, then came home did a couple of videos for youtube and hit the hay.

Monday I got up around 10, did some editing and advertising and then went to pick up mum in law to go to Ikea, walked the dog first. So anyway Ikea we walked around the top level first, then had lunch then went downstairs.

So for most people that is not a lot!! For me it used to be nothing and I could've done much more.... Well this is what happened. Half way round the second level my hips and knees really started aching. By the time we were at the check out I was bent over with the pain in the small of my back, it didn't help that we had to stand there for ages. By the time we dropped mum off and I got home I was so shaky and dizzy and my head was so cloudy. I made tea for Thomas and lay down beside him. I think that was around 4.... So that was me until this afternoon around 2. I was in bed, couldn't do anything. Well before I got too bad I made myself a bacon butty and I wish I hadn't. I have been trying to have nothing with gluten in it but I had nothing else in the house. I wish I had just had the bacon. My stomach was in turmoil all through the night as well. I have to say I am really seeing the effects of gluten in my body. It really is a massive difference. So it has reassured me I am doing the right thing going off gluten.

Anyway I sat watching How I met your Mother on my Ipad last night and then before midnight I turned it off and I actually slept. I wish I could say, though, that my sleep was restful. It never is. Especially not when I am in a bad way pain wise. I have really bad nightmares. Crazy wacko nightmares. I was a vampire and we were getting hunted by people was one of them. In another I was in hiding for something. All of them had something to do with people being after me. I know there is a meaning behind it. Like no matter what I do my illness is always there wanting to take me down. I dunno lol. I think too much sometimes lol.

Every part of me aches. My fingers hurt typing but I have to push through and try and stay out of bed. I don't want to end up in bed for days, which is what this illness wants. I am shaking too. Do you guys get the shakes a lot? My neck hurts. I really need to get one of those rests for a laptop that the screen is higher and you can still type, because looking down at it is stretching my neck and shoulder muscles and causing an obscene amount of pain. So I guess I should go and sign off now.

I will check back in tomorrow and let you guys know how I am. I am going to post a video for my fibro episode showing the effects of being out and about. Really think it would be good rather than just talking about it here.

Anyway, how are you guys? How is your pain levels?

Lots of love and hugs to you.

Lynds, xxxxxx

Happy Friday Folks : Fibro fog talk

Hey my lovelies,

It is Friday night and I am sitting at the computer working on videos and my blogs. I have actually been so busy that I just realised I posted two videos today but didn't actually plan one for tomorrow. Hmmmm that wasn't a good idea.

Anyway thats not what this blog is about. I am feeling really down today illness wise. I had to cancel my friend for the second day in a row because I was just so sore I couldn't get out of bed so there was no way I would be able to have her over :-( I just get so sick and tired of having to cancel plans and not get to see people.

My body is really weak today. I feel so achey. Proper flu like pain. I remember over the years all those times I thought I had the flu when obviously it was this that was causing it. I don't know whether I am frustrated or relieved. It is so weird on the one hand I know now why all the things were happening to me and why I never got over things quickly, but also I fought for ten years to find out what was wrong and it was just my friend mentioning to me that my symptoms seemed like what she has. I dread to think what would be happening to me now if it hadn't been for that chance conversation. Thank goodness for Sue!!!

I really wanted to talk to you guys about what it is like for me to have fibro fog and how it affects my life.

Most of you reading this probably already know what fibro fog is but just in case you don't. Here is the snippet I read on a About.com website:

Brain fog (also called fibro fog or cognitive dysfunction) is one of the most common complaints of people with fibromyalgia (FMS) and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS or ME/CFS). For many, it can be severe and can have just as big an impact on their lives as pain or fatigue. In fact, some people say brain fog is more of a disability than their physical symptoms.

So for me I find that I so often forget words, simple things that I have been saying from I started talking, but its like they are on the tip of my tongue but I just cannot get them out. It is a real struggle to keep up with conversations when there is more than one person talking to me. I find it so hard to concentrate on each person, its worse when they talk over each other or but in. Though the worst is when people interrupt me mid sentence because by the time I get back around to talking 9 times out of 10 I have forgotten what I was going to say. If it isn't about forgetting words I mix words up, like I would say dalking the wog, or something along those lines. I try to laugh it off mostly, but I have to say that it really really gets to me, especially when I am talking to people in a professional manner. I feel so stupid stumbling over words or forgetting what I am saying. I stop talking half way through sentences without even realising, or say something then repeat myself few minutes later not realising I have already said it. 

The biggest issue for me is forgetfulness, if I don't write something down, do not expect me to remember, because within a few minutes I have basically forgotten what we were talking about or even that we talked. No joking this week I totally forgot I had been talking to someone only a few hours after. It drives me insane. I get so angry and frustrated with myself that I just cry sometimes. It is so hard for me, because although I have always had that little ditziness about me, I used to be able to talk better. I worked in offices, I took meetings, I worked in a call centre, talking was my job and I could've sold ice to an eskimo back then. Nowadays I struggle so hard to get control of what I am talking about. It takes me so much time to edit my videos because of the amount I have to edit out because I have basically rambled and repeated the same things repeatedly or said things wrong or forgotten things. It drives me crazy. 

People don't get how hard something as simple as that is to live with. I have people who think it is ok to laugh at me. To make fun of me for it. That hurts me as well. It makes me feel so small. Even though they think they are doing the right thing by trying to make light of it, it doesn't work that way. Don't get me wrong compared to how I was last year with the added effects of medication I am in a different league. I am hoping that I will get better than I am now. I won't hold my breath but ho hum, there are worse things to live with I know, but that doesn't help how I feel. 

Anyway, I think thats enough rambling for today. I hope this has made sense and has been helpful. Let me know in the comments section, what is the hardest thing about Fibro fog for you?

Love you all so much, 

Lynds, xxxxxx