Hey my lovely warriors,
I am terrible at this blogging lark!! I really need to get my finger out and do it more. I haven't even vlogged for ages, which I am ashamed about. I need to just pick up that camera and get talking. It isn't anything against filming. I have just go so busy with my main channel and editing and 'working' etc that I haven't been able to. I say 'working' because well its not like I am making any money lol. It is really a hobby for me lol.
Anyway how am I today, well apart from the elephant that has taken up residence on my neck and shoulders I probably would feel so much better. I had to cancel my lovely friend coming over because the pain is so unbearable. I had to go back and lie down for a while, it feels a little easier than first thing but it isn't going away anytime soon. I just get so fed up of feeling like this and the fact that planning my life is so dang hard because from day to day I just don't know how I am going to be feeling. I hate it. I know you all know what I mean. It just sucks so much when you have to let people down, or you miss out on seeing your friends because you can't make meet ups or get to see them. I have some friends that right now I am missing so much, and I know I am not seeing them because I cannot get to them to spend time with them. It hurts so much to lose out on friendships because I cannot guarantee my health. I don't know how much time I have spent crying over not being independent anymore.
Guys all my life I have walked everywhere, from early childhood I went walking for miles. My grandmother lives in the countryside and we used to stay there all the time and we would get up in the morning and walk and walk and walk. We would venture through fields and lanes and I loved it. Then there was the caravan, I would head one direction or another and just walk for miles and see where it took me. From a young age I would walk with my mother from the caravan to the shop over a mile away and then back, a mile doesn't seem like much now but then it was, but that shaped me for the future. As I grew up I just kept on with the walking. I would walk to work and back. Sometimes work places were an hours walk away, but that didn't stop me, I loved it. It was so refreshing. By the time I would get to work I would be ready for a day of work, whereas getting a bus left me warm, groggy and feeling sick. So anyway you get the idea. I always relied on my two feet to get me from A to B. Then as I got older my health got worse and worse and all of a sudden I had to rely on other people to take me to places. No longer could I just throw my keys and phone in my pocket and walk to my mums, or my friends or to the shopping centre. I had to plan my every move and make sure I had lifts to and from. I had my walking stick. I had to make sure I only did it on certain days so that if something else was happening that week I didn't wreck myself. It got to the point that I was seeing so much of my father in law because he was free during the day and took me everywhere I needed to go. I would pick up the phone and just ask could he help me out and he drop whatever he was doing and come to help me. We got so close that I began to call him Dad. He really was more of a dad than a father in law. Anyway I can't go into that more as the tears are tripping me already. Lets just say I miss him so much it wrecks me.
Anyway I really don't remember what I was talking about or where my point was going, but I just hate that I cannot do everything I want to do. I feel bad that I have to cancel on people or can't do the things I used to. I miss my old life everyday. I miss being able to afford the things that I had the ability to do and buy when I had a job and not have to sell stuff off just to buy new products or wait for birthdays etc.
Hmmm I didn't plan a woe is me blog today lol. But hey I wanted this blog to be what its like to live like this, so I guess this is how it has to be. No point in me leaving the dark out when this is how crap I feel today.
I get really lonely, which is why I started my youtube channel, it really gave me an outlet a way to talk to people and share my loves with people even when I physically couldn't get to see friends. I am very blessed to have a husband who is so supportive and looks after me and for Lynne who has dedicated so much of her time to being there for me. She is such a wee gem, I always feel bad asking her to do things, because I never want her to feel like I am taking advantage of her or have her feel like I take her for granted. I don't know what I would do without her, because for the most part if it wasn't for her being able to come and see me so much it would just be me here on my own. Thats the joy of being 30 most people have grown up and have their own lives and families, and everyone drifts and lives move on. I always feel guilty for that because for so long I was able to be that friend who was able to get out and go places, even through pain.
Never did I ever expect that the pain and fatigue would become like this. I used to think I knew what pain was lol. Now that pain that I knew is me on a good day. Anyway I won't go on anymore. You will all stop reading my blog if I whinge anymore. Hopefully tomorrow will be a much happier blog lol. But for today I wanted to just share how low I am feeling.
Sending you all love and hugs, and hoping your week is going well and your not in too much pain.
Loooooooves,
Lynds. xxxxxxxxx
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